What I'm trying to say is this: I want to be allowed to feel ALL THE THINGS. I want to not have some sort of weird guilt for the intensity that lives inside me. I want to say what I'm thinking without other people feeling like I'm asking for help. I want to feel good about my feelings instead of feeling bad about my feelings. You feel me?
That being said, I also don't want to let my feelings affect my ability to live a productive life. There is a point at which, if left unchecked, certain feelings become unhealthy, and if they're allowed to stagnate, they create a level of dysfunction that is unsustainable in the long term.
And that brings me back to where this post began: I am in a seemingly endless rut. As I mentioned earlier, I started crying the other day when my friend Sarah asked me how I was doing. It was a breaking point that came spontaneously in the middle of organizing photos for the last wedding that we shot together; one second I was talking about how I haven't been able to motivate myself lately, and the next second the floodgates opened up. I hadn't realized how much I needed to talk, to cry, to say my thoughts out loud instead of letting them grind up on each other inside my head like unaccompanied teenagers at a school dance.
Once the thoughts were out, I was able to get to the root of the problem, and I think - I hope - I came up with some good plans to overcome my current state of mind. To me, this is a sign that I need to let those feelings out more often, peoples' reactions be damned. As it turns out, it's the keeping everything bottled up that is the real issue. Go figure.
So here's to you, deeps of affliction and dizzy realms of delight. May you not be hidden away by those of us who feel you so strongly, and may you still be expressed even if there's a chance you might be misunderstood. If nothing else, you've got me.
Happy second week of April, lovers.