Becoming

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I listened to a podcast featuring Maria Popova today, and it made me excited to do all the things. She talked about her blog, which she started in 2006 and has consistently maintained ever since, as a "record of her becoming", which I think is one of the most perfect ways to describe a blog that I have ever heard. She also discussed the importance of writing for oneself vs. writing for other people, and the risk of churning out content for content's sake. I feel as though that's part of what has been holding me back: knowing that nothing I write will please everyone. So instead, I just don't write at all. I'm thinking this whole daily blog concept might be a way to break free from that. 

My world as I knew it changed overnight awhile back because of some epically stupid, bad decisions that I made. I lost some friends, and ever since I have lived with a great amount of fear that I'm about to lose everything and everyone else at a the drop of a hat. This is a new anxiety for me, perhaps because I took many of the important relationships in my life for granted. Or maybe I just didn't understand that it is actually possible for worlds to drastically change. It was a lesson hard learned, but I'm grateful for it, and grateful for the fact that in reality, things could have been so much worse. The majority of the people in my life have shown me nothing but grace and love, something I hope to speak to in more depth on this blog. The level of compassion inside the beautiful humans I am surrounded by has honestly blown me away.

And yet it's not their supportive, caring voices that I hear these days when I attempt vulnerability. Instead, I hear the thoughts of those who I've hurt, who decided I wasn't worth keeping in their lives, both recently and in the past. I imagine their satisfaction when they hear about my struggles, and their hope for my continued suffering. Of course, I have no idea what those people are actually thinking, and it's pointless to base reality off of projections. I know this. But that doesn't stop the voices from running through my brain when I let loose into the world expressions of sadness, doubt, or worry. It is, after all, potential critics who keep many of us from living their fullest life - the worst critic usually being ourselves. 

All of this is to say that the concept of a blog being a record of one's becoming is incredibly freeing to me. It allows for failure and imperfections, because it releases the expectation of being complete. No human is ever complete. We are always on our way to who we are going to be next, even though oftentimes we have no idea what that looks like. We are usually half-submerged in the next iteration before we're able to look back and see the full picture, to understand why we had to do what we did in order to get where we are now. I wish I had a consistent written record of my journey up to this point. I'm going to do my best to provide one to my future self. 

Hey, look at that: day two of daily blogging, complete. 

P.S This interview with Maria Popova is also phenomenal, as is her blog, Brain Pickings