I have these moments where my brain freezes, and I find myself hoarding thoughts and words like a little kid with Halloween candy. Sometimes those moments last for months. This is one of those moments.
I have a tendency to wait for perfection. I sit on photos for weeks, fiddling with the edits and wondering whether they're really worth showing anyone. I meticulously plan meal and workout regimens and then never do them. It takes me forever to craft emails and text messages, especially ones that I think are crucial tidbits of communication.
This is not a story that is unique to me, I know. But it is something I desperately need to overcome, because it hinders me from actually living and sharing and doing the plethora of things I want to do; things that would be healthy and fulfilling and happy-making.
I am in a really weird place right now. I am twenty-eight years old, newly and unplanned-ly single, and living with my parents in my childhood bedroom in my hometown. All of my belongings - literally everything I own - are stacked up on top of each other in piles around my room. When I first arrived, bedraggled and not giving a shit, I simply dumped everything in a heap and carved a path from the door to my dresser; a couple of days ago, I finally cleaned out some drawers, gave a whole bunch of belongings away, and now there are a few more visible patches of carpet.
My life is in transition, which is a romantic concept until you are actually in it. Some days I feel like nothing can stop me, and then there are the mornings when I can hardly make myself open my eyes. But that's kind of how life is in general, isn't it? Nothing is completely static; there is always some sort of transition happening, even in the most subtle ways. I am not the first one to have this experience, nor will I be the last. The most paradoxical part of this whole thing is feeling like I don't have any control, when in reality, this is the time in my life when I probably have the most control I'll ever have. Free and easy down the road I go, and all that.
I have a massive backlog of photos and thoughts that I want to share, and my perfectionism has kept me from doing so, because it whispers to me that I need some kind of schedule, some kind of plan, something to make it all look neatly organized and like I have my shit together. But guess what? I don't have my shit together. I don't really think any of us do, in the grand scheme of things. So I'm going to take Austin Kleon's advice and show my work. Show my mess, share the process, and be open and vulnerable along the way, because trying to seem put-together is exhausting, and impossible, and who wants to be friends with someone who has everything figured out, anyway? Not me.
The photos in this post are from a looooong day of driving east across the entire state of California, from the coast to Truckee, near Lake Tahoe and the Nevada border. It was all trees and mountains and clouds and turquoise river bends, for miles and miles, and it was utterly gorgeous. Curving along a deep river canyon surrounded by towering pines shrouded by fog is not a shabby way to get some quality alone time. Take my word for it.
More to come. Happy Sunday, friends.