How To Not Write A Blog Post
1. First things first. Open up Blogger (or whatever your preferred choice of platform may be) and hit the button that says "New Post".
2. Before even writing a word, attempt to think of a clever and witty post title. Realize you don't even really know what you're going to write about. Decide that maybe you should look back through all of the other drafts and ideas you've created over the past few months. Those will probably give you some inspiration.
3. Go back to your list of post drafts and browse through them. Decide that they are all solidly average ideas, but you're already bored with having to formulate words around preconceived outlines (which include, of course, many supplemental links to help you make your yet-to-be-created point; you're not a college grad for nothing), even if you're the one who preconceived them.
4. Hit the "New Post" button again and hover-wiggle your fingers hopefully over the keyboard in hopes that words will start magically appearing on the screen.
5. Wouldn't it be cool if you were Hermione Granger and you could say a spell in your head to make the the words magically appear? Accio brilliant insight and wisdom. But you actually like typing; you'd probably miss the satisfaction of feeling your fingers hit the keys. So maybe it wouldn't really be that cool.
6. Go to people.com and spend the next fifteen minutes catching up on Star Tracks photos and reading the latest "news" stories. Keep Blogger open in a different tab. You'll get back to it in a second. You're just taking a break.
|Really, Lady Gaga? Really?|
7. Return to the blank post page, zone out, and think about how you spent the previous two hours after returning home from work reading articles that others shared on Facebook instead of doing the tasks you told yourself you were going to do at the beginning of the day. Like your taxes. Should you even be attempting to write a blog post when there are other things to do that are probably more important?
8. Yes. You love writing. You have so many more days to work on your taxes.
9. Decide that you just need the right music to get you in a writing mood. Open iTunes and spend the next ten minutes compiling the perfect playlist. Realize that the songs you chose will result in you being unable to construct a single sentence because you'll start singing along out loud instead.
10. Close iTunes. Maybe you should clean up your clothes, just to feel like you got one "important" task done. Then you won't have to feel guilty about blogging. You'll watch an episode of Arrested Development on Hulu; those are only about twenty minutes long, which will be just enough time.
11. Watch at least three episodes of Arrested Development, get out of bed (because you finished cleaning during the first episode and decided your bed looked comfortable), admire how shiny your floor looks, feel your stomach grumble, and make/eat dinner while watching another couple of episodes.
12. Try to think of ways you can incorporate those fun photos you took last weekend into a blog post in a relevant way that doesn't involve just talking about what you did on a hour-to-hour basis. Get frustrated because not every post can fall together as perfectly as the one about ducks.
13. Realize that it's pretty late, and you should probably just go to bed. Good night, world.
14. Avoid Blogger for the next two days; don't even check up on your stats (I mean...what? You don't care about how many people read your blog).
15. Wake up after those two days with a feeling of determination in your gut. You WILL be productive today. Get ready, go to work, get home from work, and sit online reading articles that others shared on Facebook instead of doing the tasks you told yourself you were going to do at the beginning of the day. Like taxes.
16. Decide you might as well write a blog post if you're not going to do anything else. Sign in to Blogger, check your stats (only fifty-eight new views, but ugh, it feels so good to finally look), and hit "New Post". Check Twitter. Check Facebook again. Check Twitter. Check Facebook again. Read some inspiring articles about twenty-something girls who are doing things with their lives (what did they eat and where can you get some?). Feel slightly depressed and slightly inspired.
17. Check Twitter. Check Facebook again. Log out of Facebook, because at least by doing that you're eliminating one distraction. Check Twitter. Remember that one article your friend posted on Facebook that you forgot to read. Sign back onto Facebook and go to your friend's page. Look at some of her photos. Click on the link to the article. Read the article, and click on a few more links that the author of the article recommends. Read those articles as well.
18. Finish all articles, and in doing so, close out all tabs except for Blogger.
19.This makes you feel accomplished. You deserve some wine. Pour yourself a glass.
20. Sit back down at your computer. Sip your Merlot. Feel calmly and strangely compelled to finally write actual words. Click on the blank post page. Realize you still don't know what you want to write about. Stare at the screen for a moment, sigh, and then write a post about how to not write a post.
You're welcome. Happy