I got a new lens a couple of weeks ago - a 35mm 1.4, by far the most expensive lens I've ever owned, and by far the nicest. The fact that I'm able to afford a lens like that speaks multitudes to how much better my life is going than it was just a year ago. It's not that I base my well-being off of money (quite the opposite, in fact) but to be able to make a purchase that will help me further my photography career without having to worry about long-term monetary repercussions is a pretty big deal for me.
It's been a quiet autumn and an even quieter December; it snowed a couple of weeks ago but then it all melted, and right now I'm looking out on a lake that is half frozen and half open water (the photo below is how it looked briefly, before the weather shot back up into the 40s and 50s). On December 11th. In Minnesota. I'm a little worried that I cursed us by bringing some LA warmth back with me when I moved home, but I'm trying not to be less superstitious about things like that.
Soul searching has been the name of my game lately. There has been a disconnect between the voracious reading and learning I've been doing over the past couple of years and actually doing anything with that knowledge. I want to practice what I preach, take action on ideas, and build a life of meaning and purpose that contributes in a positive way to the world. That's a hefty, vague goal, though, and getting down to specifics have never exactly been a strong suit of mine.
I've been pretty quiet on the blog lately, and I've struggled to figure out why, because I actually feel like I have a lot to say. At first, it was because I was going through a big life transition, and I didn't really feel like saying much. But now I think it's become a habit to keep to myself, even though it's when I throw my thoughts out to the world that I feel the most alive. I'm the worst kind of perfectionist, as I've mentioned multiple times on this blog, and it paralyzes me from participating in and talking about the topics and activities that are most important to me. One problem is that somewhere along the line, I started to think that "blogging" was equivalent to "essay writing", and that I had to encompass every.single.thing. about a topic in a single blog post in order to feel good about publishing it, which is absurd, because who is able to say everything about something, ever? There will always be more to add to every conversation, and so I've realized it's time for me to take a step back and write about the things I care about from the point of view of my life, rather than writing as though I'm trying to receive an A on a paper from one of my college professors.
Another question I struggle with is, "Why? What's the point of me writing anything?", which I've heard is a common thought for people who like to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, you know what I mean). There's so much noise on the internet, and the last thing I want to do is to add to it. But I've decided that for me, it's less about adding to the noise and more about getting the noise out of my head. Writing thoughts down and then having meaningful conversations with other people about those thoughts is how I'm best able to process the mess in my brain, and the more I process that mess, the better suited I'll be to do the things that I love and (hopefully) make the world a better place in my own small way. At the very least, it's worth a try.
So anyway, this is my attempt at beginning to turn this blog (and my photography, and my life) into one that looks and feels and is something that represents me, and my ideals, and my passions. Wish me luck (*clenching teeth emoji* *dancing woman emoji* *thumbs up emoji*).