LIFE. Lately I have been feeling like an angsty sixteen-year-old emo chick (familiar territory; SEE: me in high school). For the first few weeks after I got back from my trip to Minnesota, I withdrew from the world. I avoided the internet, I listened to copious amounts of Fresh Air, and I cried. A lot. Sometimes the tears would well up without spilling, and other times my sobs were so gut-wrenching that I had to bury my face into a pillow to keep them from disturbing the neighbors.
For the most part, I had no idea where all of my emotions were suddenly coming from. I had my suspicions - life changes, growing up, lacking money and the motivation to procure it - but it's not like any of these issues were new to me. I was in a seemingly reasonless, constant state of aching, exhausting ennui, and for the first time in a long time, I wondered if I would ever feel okay again.
And then I felt okay again. I started running and doing yoga. I dove into books instead of watching television. I cleaned the apartment and forced myself to be at least somewhat social. And whenever I felt tears threatening to rise up and make an appearance, I repeated one mantra to myself, over and over again: This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
I have been through my fair share of intense phases like this, enough to know that it ends with me emerging, tired but ultimately okay. The reasons for these phases have differed throughout my life, but I have benefitted from them by learning that I am stronger than whatever ails me, even if what ails me is my own mind. I have also learned that talking about it is a beautiful salve. Being honest about how I am feeling and finding out that others can relate has always been one of my biggest comforts. Feeling sad, especially when it's for no obvious reason, can be a lonely experience. I'm so thankful for the people in my life who take the time to listen, who offer up words of experience and encouragement and remind me that I am not alone in this silly, difficult, messy thing we call life.
I am still in a rut. It's a doozy of a rut, and while there's no guarantee it'll pass any time soon, I'm optimistic that it, too, is a phase from which I will eventually emerge. In the meantime, I'm going to allow myself to be where I am. I would love to have a blog full of inspirational quotes and pictures and thoughts, but right now, this is me, and I think it's important to embrace that. Ultimately, I'm not unhappy, I'm just...searching. Wandering. Hoping to make sense of a million different things. And all the while trying to remember: this too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.
My friend Lauren came to stay with us again this past weekend, and we took full advantage of the weather and the short amount of time we had to spend with her. We headed south to Laguna beach and San Clemente, traveled into the mountains to visit Mount Wilson Observatory, and spent a lazy, lounge-y afternoon poolside with some friends. It was exactly the kind of weekend I needed to get me back into happy, dreamy California Mode.